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Lydia Asplin/Nebraska Communications
Men's Gymnastics

Finding My Voice

Growing up as a black kid in a predominantly white neighborhood wasn't easy. 

I struggled to find my identity. 

I struggled to fit in. 

I struggled to embrace what it truly meant to be a black kid growing up in Los Angeles. 

My elementary school was mostly white Jewish kids. Nothing wrong with that, obviously, but I didn't necessarily fit in. 

In middle school, add a few black kids to the roster. But that was about it. 

During my teenage years, I was pretty much thrown into schooling with kids who had grown up in schools surrounded by other kids that looked like them. 

Surrounded by other kids that shared their culture.

Instead of being an outsider from just one group, I was an outsider from two groups.

 I couldn't fully connect with the white kids at school. 

But I also couldn't fully connect with the black kids at school either. 

I was in no-mans land. 

Sure, I was able to make a few friends here and there, but I was never entirely accepted into the group of kids.

As a light-skinned black man, I was prevented from fully embracing my culture outwardly in public. The social mask that others deemed I should wear because I was lightskinned and came from a certain neighborhood set constraints for me, and it didn't matter what happened when I was at home.

Because of this, high school was a tough and confusing time for me. 

On one side, I had to deal with racist remarks and having the "N" word thrown at me. And from the other side, I was being called whitewashed. 

Growing up with all of this, I wasn't able to find my voice. I wasn't comfortable with expressing my heritage and culture publicly enough to speak up. 

Today, I regret that.

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Speaking Up

It's no secret that the student and general population in Lincoln are predominantly white. I knew coming in that I would have to be a leader and have a voice. 

My reasoning was simple. 

If not me, who? 

It wasn't the most natural thing for me but in my first year at Nebraska, I began to focus on educating people on the cultural differences between races. 

The questions I began to get were tough ones to hear. They showed how little understanding some people had. 

It became as important as ever to help build bridges and connect with a diverse group of people. Connecting with others who are not like you, forces you, even if you don't realize it, to learn and expand your knowledge of other cultures. 

Helping teach others to appreciate and value the differences and pieces that each culture brings to the table was a huge part of that process. 

Some people brush it off and just say, "oh, I don't see color," and pass that off as the end of the story. 

It's not. 

It's important for everyone to learn and understand that we aren't all just "equal people" and we haven't been. The history of my relatives looks drastically different than that of my white neighbors. 

We've had different laws and different histories within this country. That's why we need Black History Month. It's a chance to embrace a history that's been hidden from view. 

A strong history that's just been swept under the rug. Life is a different experience for every person. And that experience can be very dependent on the color of your skin.

Black Lives Matter forces change

When the Black Lives Matter protests began, it really forced me to become confident in my voice. 

I got myself to do some self-examination and dig back into the history and experiences of black culture even more than I had. As these protests continued on, we as a society saw more people begin to discover and explore the lost and buried history of the black culture. 

Out of all this study and self-searching, I began to explore. 

Why do these differences exist? 

How can I build these bridges? 

What do I do? 

How do I talk to people about this? 

I've learned that I need to understand how to approach these things in a way that will not turn people off or elicit an emotional response. I had to retrain myself on how to communicate in these situations. I had to train myself to communicate in a way that would cancel out racism or bigotry or micro-aggressions. 

How do we move forward? 

I believe that in order to be a better member of society, a member who can contribute and be a stronger part of the black community, I need to continue to learn. I need to lead by example and lead out front. That is how we can all make a difference. 

Moving forward, I hope my story and my efforts can help inspire the next generation of athletes who are struggling with their race and identity. 

Whether it's someone like me who is in a predominantly white sport and is also a part of the LGBTQ community, or just a kid growing up in an area where he or she doesn't quite fit in. 

If we want to change the system and right the ship, we need to be involved. The times of just sitting on the sidelines without a voice are gone. We have to learn from our past and use that knowledge as a tool to make a change. 

If we ignore the past, we are doomed to repeat it. 

So, let's not just use this month but every month to learn. 

Learn about the history that has been buried and hidden for so long. Learn about the history of the fight against racial injustice. 

Learn about the battle for equality. 

But also learn about our rich and bright past. We have such a colorful, joyful, and extraordinary culture that is overclouded by our past trauma. Through our food, fashion, music, dance and art, we have told countless stories illustrating our success and people over the years. We have an illuminating culture, and its time people start to notice and learn from that as well. 

Let's take the time to understand a situation that makes you uncomfortable. Take the time, whether you are black, white, Asian, or any other race, to realize that change must start today. It must start within each one of us. 

This February as we celebrate Black History Month, I will be learning, communicating, and forcing myself out of my comfort zone. I hope you will do the same.

If we want to change the system and right the ship, we need to be involved. The times of just sitting on the sidelines without a voice are gone. We have to learn from our past and use that knowledge as a tool to make a change.

Sam Phillips
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